happy birthday mom

Dear Mom,

Happy Birthday! I’m sorry to say I don’t know how old you would have been today. We all know I suck at math. I guess the good part about dying is that you get to be immortalized at the age you were when you died… so for you, happy eternal 59th birthday! I remember when I thought that 59 felt like so far away. Shit I thought 40 was old! That’ll be me next April, can you imagine Mom? But here you are, 59 years young, forever. I have to say I struggle with that number Mom. Like I have a ticking clock in my ear… 20 years to go…. Especially when I found out that Nana was also 59 when she died. I guess we will know when we know. What you will know is that will be one HELL of a year. I will live it up and then some for all of the shitty years you had, stuck inside on that damn respirator. Not breathing the fresh air outside, or walking on your own.

It was this image that got me in my running clothes today. I almost didn’t. But then I thought, well shit. My Mom can’t run, so I have to! And the irony is that I can’t either, my left shin is killing me. But I walked. Stopped by your bench today. Got my butt all wet sitting on it as I took a moment to take in the damp morning. Took stock in my life, the day. You. I’ll be honest. I miss you so much Mom. My heart STILL aches. Like right now. It’s breaking as I write this crying in my studio alone. See, the kids are at their Dad’s tonight till Friday. Yeah. I know. That came out of left field. Made me miss you more. Like crazy. Can you see why turning 59 has me scared? Our lives have many parallels in them. Being with our families in this house. Having sick Moms that die on us while we have young kids. Being left alone in this house. Having to start over. Yeah. I am putting it out there Mom. But you know what? I refuse to be paralyzed with inaction. I am going to seize life by the balls and live my best life. Be the best person I can be for myself, and for the kids. For my work, and for my team. And for you. I know you would be so proud of how I carry myself. All that I have done. The people choose to surround myself with. They are worth their weight in gold… all of them. So many of them! Too many to list. How lucky am I? They wrap me up in their love and are taking care of me Mom.

The kids miss you still. Especially Jack. He has times when he will cry and say he misses you. And we have a nice talk about all of the things we miss about you. He was devastated when I painted the dining room blue! I was being a stereotype and having to change something big in my life and so just up and decided it would be the dining room- from brown to turquoise! Why not. He said ‘Momma I feel like all my memories will be gone now.” Just about broke my heart. You know the crazy thing though? I understood completely how he felt. In that exact room. When we painted over the pink that was your color, I felt like I was losing memories too. And I was so sad. Jack was so touched that I understood exactly how he felt and we both had quite a great cry over it. Mom, he is such a little love. I can hear you saying that in your voice. And he is. So sensitive and intuitive and caring and that heart of his… man. It’s so full, and tender and open to love. You would be so proud of the young man he is turning into! And that Georgie. Oh Sweet Jesus. She is something too. Animated, full of fire, and light. And humor. And those blue eyes.

Anyway. I’m off for a fun night with my girls. We will toast you, and remember you and all that you were. But mostly all that I am because of you.

I love you. Always.

XO